10 Commandments of Submissive Communication for Trad Wives
With the increase in ex-feminists returning to the trad-wife life and the related increase in religious orthodoxy among Zoomers, there are a lot of women out there with entrained feminist biases against a masculine-led hierarchy looking for answers on how to actually be a submissive, Biblical wife.
(There are also more and more adult women with undiagnosed autism, ADHD, PTSD, etc, waking up to fundamental socio-communicative issues inhibiting their ability to have and maintain positive, longlasting relationships.)
Even women who’ve spent several years in a trad-wife role, who have a core value within themselves to bring their husband peace in his life and support his mission from God, still find themselves verbally butting heads with their husband in many ways that they later regret because of the division and conflict it brings to their marriage.
This one is for you.
I’ve put together 10 basic rules or “commandments”, with some extra explanatory notes, to help you as you work on communicating to your husband from a place of feminine submission, thus reaffirming the patriarchal hierarchy in the family and, by extension, broader society.
These 10 “commandments” are purely communication-focused, so that you can practice showing your man you respect him by the very way you speak to him.
1. Respect his time.
Before you even start a conversation with him, always assume that whatever he’s doing is important. Even if it’s watching something dumb on television or the internet, or playing video games, assume it’s really important, if only to him. Because otherwise he wouldn’t be doing it. And that should make it important to you, because you’re on his team.
Maybe he needs some downtime to just space out a bit to help him deal with other stressful things going on in his life. Maybe it’s comedy because he needs a laugh. Maybe it’s sports because he needs to feel like he’s part of a team of warriors fighting for victory or honor or something greater than himself because his day job doesn’t actually give him that. Maybe it’s music because that helps him process his own emotions.
Whatever it is, if he’s investing his time on it, it must be important to him for a reason. So, if you need to get his attention away from doing anything, show that respect to him by asking politely for a minute, five minutes, ten minutes, etc, of his time/attention, and always thank him for his time afterward.
If you don’t do this, your actions are making an implied claim or presumption that whatever you want to say to him is more important than whatever he’s already doing. That’s beginning a conversation from a place of audacious self-importance on your part, and it’s damaging to the social hierarchy, no how matter how benevolent he may be about it.
2. Always yield.
Unless someone’s life is in danger, you have a social duty to maintain hierarchy and always yield to your husband in the event of any disagreement.
Don’t agree to disagree. Leave the responsibility for the decision firmly on his shoulders. If it all goes wrong, that’s on him. You were just being a supportive wife.
This doesn’t mean you can’t express an opinion or offer advice or perspective, especially if you think he’s making the wrong decision. But you’re not equals in the hierarchy, designed to spar with one another. You have a duty to yield, respecting his wishes. If you can’t persuade him to your side/perspective through femininity or reason, don’t push the point, don’t create conflict, just yield and let it be on him as the leader.
3. Smile.
Seeing other people happy makes us happier. And because men tend to view women as a living artwork, almost nothing makes men happier than a woman who is happy to see him.
Every opportunity you have to talk to him face-to-face is an opportunity to smile at him, to convey that you are happy to see him. And because every smile you offer him endears you to him, you’re also subtly reminding him that he’s happy to see you too.
And because women are always better at faking a smile when they don’t fully feel it, you have something special to offer him every day in that ability of yours. Don’t waste that.
Even if you’re sad or upset, a sad-eyes, close-mouthed smile when you see him and at the end of the of the conversation, expressing even a second or two of gratitude, is invaluable in maintaining a basic level of affection, kindness and humility towards him.
90+% of the time, he will smile back. And the other <10%, well, he probably feels like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders in those moments, and as such needs your kindness and affection more than ever.
4. Value his opinion.
Always express value or appreciation for his thoughts, opinions, insights, perspective, contribution, etc, on whatever you’re talking about.
If you were approaching a wise sage or mentor or genius or expert or spiritual leader, someone with decades of knowledge and experience over you, for advice, you would (or at least know you should) respect that experience and authority by listening to whatever they have to say and thanking them for it. That’s exactly how you should treat your husband; he’s the man that you’re supposed to turn to first, after God himself. This shows you the level of respect you’re supposed to show to him.
If you sharing something with him that you don’t actually want to hear his perspective on, then you need to seriously ask yourself why you’re talking to him about it at all and whether this is really a conversation better suited for a girlfriend or sister.
At the very least, clarify upfront why you’re telling him and what you’re seeking from him if not his wisdom; ie. “Hey, can I get a couple minutes of your time? I just want some emotional comfort from you about this one thing.”
5. Apologize first.
Don’t ever wait for him to apologize first. Don’t hold out to claim the final say for yourself. The final say is always his. And you shouldn’t expect him to apologize at all. It would socially polite of him, sure, but it’s not required. Forgive him anyway. Your ability to forgive is not co-dependently attached to his ability to apologize.
Take any accountability you can and apologize for your share without expectation or implication for him to the same.
If he does, bonus. Thank him.
If not, thank him anyway for his time.
6. Don’t blame.
Don’t point the finger at him (or the mote in his eye) when you’re not perfect (and probably don’t see the beam in your own). You’re not in any position of leadership/authority over him.
Even if there are valid problems he needs to address or rectify, don’t point the finger at him. Don’t lecture him. Don’t raise your voice at him. Don’t act in any way like you’re speaking from a position of authority over him. Not only is it blatantly insubordinate, outside the proper social hierarchy, but that very act of overstepping makes whatever you have to say seem immediately petty, like a projection or externalization of your own problems for which you’re aren’t being accountable, thus shooting yourself in the foot.
He’s not a child. Treating him like one is incredibly disrespectful, and it will not encourage him to be a better leader or treat you any better. Always ask yourself, if I spoke to a boss the way I’m speaking to my husband, would he be justified in firing me? Because that’s what your husband is, he’s the boss of the home, and worthy of far more respect from you than a boss expects from an employee.
7. Don’t correct.
Some people (especially people on the spectrum and/or who spend a lot of time with young children) develop a habit of verbally auto-correcting other people (especially people they’re close/familiar with) when they make mistakes in their language or pronunciation, misremember a detail or even simply say the wrong word that obviously doesn’t match their intent (a so-called Freudian slip).
ie. they’re talking about the importance of having red curtains, and as they go to say “I don’t want blue curtains, I want red”, they accidentally say, “I don’t want red curtains, I want blue”, and they obviously don’t even hear that what they just said is the opposite of what they have been saying.
Correction always begins with the presumption that he’s incorrect or in error. Never presume that. Even if he has a track record of it.
Assume instead that you misheard or misunderstand and ask a clarifying question in good faith. Either he will realize he made a mistake himself OR he will explain some other context or reasoning or information that you don’t have or didn’t think of.
Either way, you should never ever need to point out his mistakes to him from a place that presumes he is wrong and that you are right. That’s taking a position over him in the social hierarchy, which for you means that you’re starting off on the wrong foot.
8. Don’t interrupt.
Unless there is danger/trouble, never interrupt him with your words.
Neither your words nor your emotions, no matter valid they are, are more important than his words.
They might be equally important. But that doesn’t give you leave to overstep and behave like they are more important. They’re not. And, socially, you should at least act like his words are in fact more important, because he’s the boss and has the final say.
9. Don’t claim credit.
Not only is this a form of correction, but if you’re actually on the same team with him — his team, of which he is both coach and team captain — then just keep your mouth shut about credit.
If he says repeats something you said or came up with first, like it’s his own, just shut up and be glad that he is taking on your ideas, that you have his ear, that you have a voice, and that you’re both on the same page about whatever the actual idea or belief or goal is.
You don’t need credit.
And if you’re really on his team, then it shouldn’t matter whose idea it was or who said what first. Interjecting from the main topic he’s discussing with you to validate you own self is socially telling him that you’re out for your own self-interest, not him, not his mission, and not what’s best for the whole family/household.
10. Don’t hold him to these same standards.
He’s not a woman. He’s not equal to or lesser than you in the social hierarchy.
Men have the monopoly on physical force in society. With that greater power comes greater responsibility, and with those greater responsibilities comes additional rights. Otherwise, he can’t actually take that greater responsibility on. This is why we allow policemen/military in uniform to walk around brandishing weapons.
You don’t blindfold a sharpshooter and expect him to perform.
He’s the boss, the coach, the team captain, the superior authority. He has a whole set of different communicative values and considerations that apply to him with his greater duties. Infighting with him over what he owes you will only inhibit him from doing what’s actually best for the family.
Any apparent equality he offers you in communication is likely kindness/benevolence on his part, so be grateful. Be the supportive bravo to his alpha leadership, and raise questions and concerns when appropriate to do so. Abusing the privilege will just lead to dysfunctional team hierarchy and unnecessary division/conflict in the relationship, and this is precisely how nations are conquered.
